germaine's

i MOVED



but anyway, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

thanks huiyi for everything. loveyou,:)

there's a test tmr. its like there's tests almost every other day. i swear i hate the mods i'm taking this sem. its really not heping.








i am damn sad. huiyi if you're reading this..i lost the pencil you bought again. i think it dropped out on the way back to hall when i took something out. omg. i wish i can find it back like how i did the other time.

i dont know what's wrong with me. i keep losing things...and i dont want this to continuee.argh.


germ just feels like having some time alone.=(

havent been blogging for a long time. havent had the time to do so, and didnt have the mood to do so either.

so cny was normal. i think it was kinda boring in fact.

hall events have been suffocating me i should say? and i havent been feeling very well lately.

ah whatever. school life sucks too, with the exception of social work module which i've been enjoying.







the time is here. i wonder what's gonna happen.

omg. who in this world has such hectic schedules?

10pm-4pm lessons
  4pm-6pm project meeting
8pm-10pm hearts meeting
         12am lao yusheng
           1am xinyao practice
           9am wake up for lessons
 10pm-5pm lessons
   6pm-8pm psych soc meeting
   8pm-9pm acapella auditions
   9pm------- xinyao performance+laoyusheng with block

i am so shagged. so shagged that nothing seems to appeal to me except sleep. and my back effing hurts. its so bad that even when i lie down i can feel it. its like there's no position that it wont hurt? yea. even when i go up and down the stairs it hurts. life just sucks la!walao. and the diarrhoea is not helping. think i had one of the worst diarrhoea within this week. the kind that i thought something was really wrong. cuz it just wouldnt stop. oh wells. looking forward to the weekend.
   

okay. i have had enough. mind me for my attitude and the way i talk these days. i just gotta learn that i cant please the world. its hard for me to do, but yar. if you think i'm not like how i used to be, if i'm not as nice as the ME you knew, then i'm sorry. it has come to a point where i'm tired of being nice to people.

i am tired.
leave me alone.

when i try to be nice, i dont get appreciated. when i stop being nice, i get all the bad comments coming to me.

yar. for all that you did germaine. congrats!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!=)

so two days just passed like that. i think i ate what i usually eat in a week in 3 days. HAHA!i'm so sure it was NON-STOP eating. think i sat at the table at least 10times in one day. haha!but oh wells that's new year!=) this year's new year was like....a sleepy one. partly why i ate so much was cuz i was trying to keep myself awake. HAHA! and all my cousins were like drugged or sth!all were like sleeping please!hahaha!where got people sleep on new year one!hahahha!oh wells.

school started.  sian. i'm not ready to face this reality.=/

seriously, i dont know what is wrong with my body these days.

haha!yesterday's diarrhoea was bad enough, i thought it was over. BUT HELL NO!went to eat reunion dinner at daguma's house, den i diarrhoeaed again. and that's not all!came back home, and puked. HAHAH! omg. i think i'm gonna break down soon!haha!

ohh and the stomachache before the diarrhoea..can kill. i swear. and to a certain extent, my back would hurt too!i wonder why. ahhh!i shall not think. shall go see the orthopedic on wed!=)

i think i am torturing myself.

went to study with huiyi yesterday. had a great time catching up too!haha! but yea. i did something damn stupid. we ate some sandwiches and there was cheese in there. and so i thought i was only allergic to a certain kind of cheese, and not those normal ones in the sandwich. some might say its psychological..AHHAH!but i'm sure its not!cuz after i ate, i felt perfectly fine..not till in the night..when i suddenly started having damn bad stomachache..and i was on the way back home..and i started cold sweating. it cant be dinner. cuz my parents ate and nothing happened. and the sandwich was the ONLY other thing i ate that day. HAHAHAH!oh wells. had damn bad diarrhoea in the end. HAHA!huiyi its not your fault. HAHAH! i should've known better. HAHHAHA!i should stop torturing myself. HAHA

anyway i'm kinda disappointed. sometimes there's so much things i aint very happy about, but i cant say it. i feel that no matter how stressed you are at work, how pissed you are at other people,or even not feeling well.. it gives you no rights to say such things about me. what's with the i'm so stupid and you cant believe i'm an undergrad. i mean so what if i'm in NUS? wth. i'm trying my best to do whatever you want me to, but i just dont feel appreciated. i know you dont mean what you say, but the fact is you said it.

i'm trying so hard to deal with that back pain. i dont even fucking know what's going on. not showing that it doesnt hurt doesnt really mean its not hurting. i'm trying so hard to not look like i'm very troubled by the pain. dont want you to worry. that day when i was at the A&E, no matter how freaked out i was, i tried to sound calm so you wont have to worry. didnt wanna trouble you to come all the way down. even all my friends are so worried about me walking around too much, but yesterday when i needed you to pick me up, you told me you had to go through 2 ERP gantries. you argued at last you offered to fetch me, but did you hear that tone of the voice when you say 'THEN WE COME AND FETCH YOU!'if you really meant to come and fetch me right from the start, i dont really think the 2 ERP gantries is too expensive to afford. i ended up having to walk almost more than 30minutes. and you didnt even say a thing. sometimes i really dont understand. and today, all i wanted was to wash my clothes, you didnt wanna help, its okay, i do it myself. den you come and scold me for what i did. if you had told me what to do before hand, i wouldnt have done those things. you didnt even tell me, and there you are, you said i'm stupid. yea i'm so darn stupid that i freaking got a place for myself in NUS. yar. i am stupid. whatever.

going to the orthopedic next week. somehow something tells me everything will be the same old story..like how they cant seem to detect anything wrong. aiyo. this is damn sian..

hmmm. anyway, germ has been pretty happy these days!haha. kim and zhaoey the retards came to sleepover that night, den we went crystal jade the next day. oh wells. all was good except that bus ride back to hall. OMG. sucks to the core. hmmmm. and of course there's all the hall people showing so much concern about me.=) haha!i think i'm treated like a small girl by everyone there. i have got no idea why. HAHA! i wonder if its a good thing. oh wells. at least they do nice things like let me sit the car, slow down when they're walking with me..and help me carry those heavy things!=) YAY!love them all!=) and yingxiu too!for helping me rub my back. YAY!hmmmm. sometimes i should just look at the brighter side of life!=)

i got a shock of my life yesterday. like always, i went to YIH to see the doc to complain about my back pain, thinking they'll at most make me take an xray. BUT HELL NO! they sent me to NUH A&E. haha. made me so worried suddenly. spent 5 hours there stoning..looking at the people coming in and out of the hospital. its funny how everyone would look like its the end of the world. like they are in tremendous pain, before they see the doc, but just RIGHT after they see the doc, they look so much better. hahha! oh and i saw 3 army boys, all broke the left hand,=/ what's army doing to the boys man?HAHHA!

so anyway, there were so many weird and embarassing encounters. first was the anus check. HAHA! shant elaborate about it here..but if you wanna know, you can ask me. HAHA! den went xray. the guy tried to find my hip bone, but it was so ticklish, i burst out laughing. but cuz there was only me and him in the room, it became DAMN AWKWARD!hahah!and i did it twice!wahahha!omg!damn funny. and i wasnt supposed to move, but i couldnt stop laughing. so i just giggled and giggled. HAHA. and there's this list of to-do things..like 'stay in bed for the next 1-2 days.' YAR RIGHT! I SO CAN DO THAT!hahahah!






i'm so happy today.
if only everyday could be like today:)

my back freaking hurts like crappp. its not the consistent pain, but its the ache and like a feeling i cant describe. its like as if i cant control it. you know sometimes you feel like you're aching damn badly..its like..as if you cant control..you dont even feel like sitting down..and lying down is not comfortable, and standing up is worse?ARGH. and the groin strain is not helping. and the hamstring too. omg. just let me kill myself or sth. i really feel very uncomfortable.=(

and so the ihg softball season finally ends today. all the trainings put to good use.

we didnt win, but we put up a good fight against the other halls i would say=) three cheers for TH!YAY!

okay today's game was super dramatic. i dont know what the hell is wrong with me, but i just freaked out. TOTALLY. i was like tearing and all, cant get myself in the right state of mind to play. and hongyi was trying so hard to calm me down. haha!i really dont know what the hell i was doing, but i just cannot control myself. and it didnt help that i got 3 foul balls in a row. =/ haha!anyway, i am totally injured. few days ago my back starting hurting, and i realised its the same old problem..the lower back contracting so much so that my right leg is shortened, and it hurts when i step on my right. yeaa. but yea. i still managed to play. but then, i pulled my hamstring, and i injured my groin. it was damn pain!omg!

i was running outfield for this ball, den hongyi caught it..and it was the 3rd out. so he ran in straight with the ball, and i ran in too, den i realised it was too painful, i just lie on the floor. haha!and they kept asking me to stretch it out, but it doesnt help much. HAHA!and thanks to suejean, helped me rub my thighs for damn long. thanks so much!but oh wells. i'm still hurting like sai!hahah!and i'm limping cuz it feels much better. going to see a doc tmr, and prolly gonna go to the chiropractor to get my legs aligned. HAHA

okay i'm tired. going to go out for supper, den nitenitesweetdreams!=)

i think i should stop eating for the time being, cuz when there's no input, there's no output. i cannot stand it. i have been having diarrhoea for hell 4 days!sucks la!its not helping when i have to run to the toilet from the field in the middle of training..and feel so dizzy and all..and after diarrhoea still got to run after balls. hahah!my legs were like giving way half the time la!hahah. hate it!

i officially announce i hate the arts canteen waffle auntie. she always gives the the effing cold and hard waffles that she prolly made 10hours ago or sth!sucker!hahah. hate her leh!den i tell her i want the hot one, she replies its alr hot. HOT MY ASS!

anyway, germ is prolly breaking down physically. first the back, then the diarrhoea, now the hand. i dont know what else can i injure. HAHA

i'm so freaking tired. but i've got 2 meetings to attend. and i bet after that i'll be too hyper to sleep. argh.

i'm freaking sian. dont ask why. there's too many things that's making me feel this way.

i really cannot stand superficial people. argh. and i hate having my feelings being played around with. its really crappy. not that i think i'm damn good or important. its nothing of that sort. dont tell me its cuz i've got better skills or whatsoever. but that's not the way to do things. people get to do what they want, i have to always be there to take the shitjobs. oh ya germ. tell me what's new. life sucks. just gotta suck thumb and accept it.





i dont know what to feel.
if only i knew the truth, things would be so much easier.

i think i look like i'm going to die. plus the fact i'm having quite a bad diarrhoea, i duno why. hansel said it might be stomach flu. i hope its not, but i feel damn tired and lethargic.

sometimes i feel like its so hard to be me. i feel a particular way, but i have to bluff myself and tell myself its otherwise, when its SO NOT. its just damn sian. i dont know what to do now. i am so lost. i dont know who is the best person to talk to. oh wells. there's not many choices anyway..oh whatever. i'm sure i can do this myself.



dont know why am i feeling so f up these days.

i miss home.=(

i'm burnt. was so tired and hungry yesterday la. so i was the umpire for the KE KR match. got challenged once. den i got so scared for a moment. haha!but it was hell boring(not the game that was boring, but the job was boring..). i was just baking myself under the sun for 2h la! then after that i merely had 5minutes rest(and i had to gobble up my subway in this 5minutes, change and get ready) and warmed up for the game at 3pm. played all the way from 3-7pm. omg. just say i'm superwoman. HAHA! i was damn hungry cuz i didnt finish my subway, and that was the only thing i had the entire day. hmmmm. the game feels very different. didnt feel the way i thought i would..but i was really super tired..and to the extent i was kinda sleepy at one point and had to try so hard to keep myself alert.

anyhows, caught a foul ball. haha!happy like sai. hahaha! and made 2 good hits. the last one was damn scary. it was 2 down and no runs..and we were down by 3 runs. didnt feel very scared at first..but when i thought about the situation, and saw hongyi behind me(cuz i know if hongyi gets up to bat, we will confirm get runs in without a doubt)and so..i became damn scared..i just looked at hongyi and said 'I'M DAMN SCARED!' haha. oh wells. den a lot of support came from the TH supporters.=) zurong said no pressure just do your best. haha!but yar. the pressure was still there. when i was at the plate, i was like 'WALAOS!ITS SO DARK!AND I'M DAMN FREAKING SCARED!'hahaha. but luckily i made a hit good enough to get me save at 1. haha! so yea. we won both games 12-11. haha!and walaos. hongyi keep complaining i run damn slow. haha!like i havent been running for donkey years please!hahaha!cuz i got out cuz he forced me to run to 3 and commit suicide cuz the ball was already there. HAHHAH!


today's the first day of school. maybe its that plus the fact its monday, i'm damn super sianned. no one would probably understand how it feels. its not helping when people you seek advice and encouragement from are starting to put you down, like as if they have no faith. oh wells. i choose to ignore. at least i know what i'm doing. i'm just disappointed i should say?but its alright. life sucks. shit happens.


i guess i'm prolly also just tired and need a break. and how i wished the people i need to make my day are just here right by my side.hmmm.

i cant sleep. perhaps its the anxiety build up for the games later. as much as i dont really feel the stress of it now, i think it'll come later..

had a very nice talk with berton wanyun and sulin. omg. we were laughing non stop..and i just cannot forget that girl. met this exchange student who was half drunk(according to the rest, but i highly doubt so..i think she's a bit....nvm hahah!)yea. and she lost her wallet and her room key, and she was freaking out like no one' s business..and we had to call jeremy, and RFs and all. ended up waking dr reuben up cuz master wasnt around. -_______-lll and the best thing was..when we got the key and walked to her room, her friends were there waiting for her with her wallet.-______-ll and she suddenly became so relieved, she looked and us and said damn loudly 'OMG YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING AMAZING'. hahaha. did i mention she knelt down in the middle of the road and poured everything outta her bag and said she wants to look for her things. HAHAHA.



you know sometimes, its so hard to have friends.
i know it sucks not to have any, but at least in that case, you prolly only gotta deal with being lonely.
sometimes when you have too many friends, and you start drifting away unintentionally from some cuz of others, it hurts both sides.
this really sucks.


oh ya. and i dreamt of you again.hmmmm.

hmmm. so school's gonna start in 2 days time. i didnt even feel like i've had a holiday. if not for the short trip, i think it would've felt like i didnt even get a break. super sian. dread it like crazy. and not like there's nothing else to bother about. sometimes i know my friends mean well when they're concerned about me. but the things they say to me, are not really helping. seriously. just makes me feel more sian.

there's studies to be concerned about, so many committee things to care about, there's IHG from tmr onwards. seriously, not really sure if i'll do a good job as a catcher. i mean as much as i would try my best, but i've only FREAKING trained for 2 trainings? and yar. germ is gonna die after tmr. i'm going to umpire from 12-2pm, warm up from 2-2.45pm. playing against RH from 3-4.45pm and SH from 5-6.45pm. and i have to be at the field by 11.30pm. oh wells.good luck germ.=)

i'm seriously pretty sianned. and not having time to just sit and slack with my friends just sucks. after kim came back, we only freaking met once. damn sian. and i havent seen tanny and huiyi for ages. and i mean AGES. 

in the midst of doing all these things, sometimes i'm so tired. no doubt i might enjoy the sense of acheivement after finishing all these, but i often question if its worth it. but i know even if its not, i'll still do it. i know a lot of my friends think i'm dumb. but yar. its just a principle i live by. its not that i'm fucking not bothering about my studies. if so, why would i come to NUS? its not like i dont want good results. if i dont want and dont need good results, i wouldnt even be trying to squeeze out time to mug, i wont even bother going for lectures and all. so yea. dont judge me. perhaps some of you just duno germ well enough. i'm doing these things cuz its a responsibility i've taken up, and i'm just not that kind that'll leave things to people just cuz i need time for my studies, cuz that's effing irresponsible. and if i cant tolerate people who are like that, i just feel i shoudnt be like that.




and on top of these, there's still so much to think about. i just feel like everything's so screwed up.

had the last training before the game on sunday today. haha! hmmm. den after that went subway with berton and max. omg. we slacked there for freaking 3h playing a game called 'would you rather' i totally failed the test. HAHHA. okay nvm. shant elaborate about it. it was just hilarious. i laughed non stop for 3h!hahahha!



as much as i might look and seem very confident of myself sometimes,deep down its not true at all.
many a times i wanna do something, but i dont have the courage to do it.
just when i thought i had enough courage to do something, i dont get the desired outcome.
ah whatever. i'm just going to live my life as happy as i can, and heck the world.








that's what i always say, but whether i'm really able to do it is a total different thing.=/

today was a super tiring day. met zhisheng for absolut updates at 11am, after that headed down to SIM to meet shuen for lunch. we ate and talked and walked ard till 5+ before deciding to go to the daily scoop for some ice cream, den she sent me back=) thanks girl.=) came back, rested, then rushed down to sheares hall for some meeting cuz GERMAINE IS SO GOING TO BE A FREAKING UMPIRE(she's so gonna stone, and whine, and be shocked and intimidated by the players and duno what to call=/) oh wells. yea. no one can believe. but yar. i'm so doing it, not out of will though. haha! came back, waited for court training, but it was cancelled cuz the turnout was kinda bad. HAHA. then went B1 for a while to play with yichuan's keyboard..jeremy and zhiyuan were just trying to bluff me into believing they're gays. hahaha! then came back to A1 and there were SOOO many people there. then at 12+ i was sooo bored, wanted to go and slp but zhiyuan asked me to go supper, so i agreed, and we meet the cheer people at fongseng. and here i am. haha. TIRED.

there's so many things to do in sem2, but i'm so going to mug. let's just see. at least there's the A2 girls with me together. haha. our 'no open door' policy=)




sometimes perhaps i'm just too sensitive to what some people say.
sometimes perhaps i'm just thinking too much into people's actions.
and because of this, a lot of times i find myself being quite unhappy although i might not seem to look like i'm unhappy.
perhaps if i stop thinking, i'll feel better.
but this just sucks, but i'm just keeping things to myself, cuz even if i say it out, it wont really help.

i feel like i kinda dont know you as well anymore. but i dont even think you feel it. oh wells.